


adversity of the every day

by ivelostmyspectacles



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Coping, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27541888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/ivelostmyspectacles
Summary: Honestly? Life after the Entities isn't easy, either.ie the mental health struggle after everything they've been through
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	adversity of the every day

**Author's Note:**

> tw for talk of (past) suicide ideation and current mental health issues, including depression

“I’ve got a question.”

“Alright.”

“It’s… it’s kind of a _weird_ question? I think.”

“Ooh, my favorite.”

“Tim.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I,” Martin stressed. “It– it’s just going to sound… bad.”

“Okay.” 

Maybe his voice was serious enough; it pulled Tim’s attention away from the game fully for the first time since dinner. It was… that was just cute, kind of? Tim, gaming. It wasn’t a _usual_ thing, but the laser focus and excitement was endearing. They didn’t have enough _domestic_ stuff like that, still. 

Tim set the controller in to charge, shuffling around to look at Martin. “Okay. Talk to me.”

Except now, thinking of _domestic,_ this was the total opposite. This was… this was ruining Tim’s good mood, probably, by admitting things that he shouldn’t even be _thinking,_ let alone saying out loud. He was going to think… 

_“Martin.”_ Tim interrupted his thoughts, like he _knew_ he was overthinking. And… he probably did. Heh. “Whatever it is–”

“I know–”

“I’m not going to _judge_ you–”

“No, I know. I know,” Martin interrupted. “I’m just…” He sighed. “Do you ever feel like… do you ever have the feeling that you just… don’t want to exist anymore? Not, like, in a wanting to die way,” he said quickly, “but just… in a being gone kind of way?”

“Uuuumm.” Tim frowned, and Martin was sure, _so sure,_ that Tim was about to give him the ‘Martin, do we need to talk?’ speech, ask if he was okay and stuff. And yeah! He didn’t _mind_ Tim asking, that was _fine,_ he’d rather him ask than not ask, but it was just– it wasn’t _that–_ “I mean,” Tim continued, “I’ve definitely had the ‘wanting to die’ way, but I’m not totally sure about the ‘not wanting to exist’ way.”

“I– oh.” That… that wasn’t what he’d been expecting. In multiple ways. Instead of Tim being _worried,_ just… casually admitting something like that. “Tim, I… didn’t know–”

He shrugged. “I mean, it’s, awhile ago? I wasn’t… I wasn’t _good,_ after Danny.” Martin didn’t know how he talked about that, either. Maybe his face got a little more drawn, a little darker, but he didn’t… shy away from it now. Not like the way Martin still felt thinking about his mum: _it’s better this way, it’s better this way._ “I went through a lot of shit, afterwards. A lot of bad coping mechanisms. But I definitely… there were times I thought about it.” He leaned back against the sofa, against Martin’s legs. “Clearly I never did. I never even… _tried,_ which, you know, _good thing,_ in retrospect.”

“Yeah.” He wanted to lean down and put his arms around Tim’s neck, or urge him up on the sofa proper so he could just… _hold_ him, which was entirely not the point of starting up this conversation, but he hadn’t _expected–_ “I’m– glad, you didn’t. Er, _God,_ I don’t know how to say it without sounding _stupid_ patronizing–”

“Nah, you’re good.” He patted Martin’s knee, and Martin reached for Tim’s hand to hold. “I mean, it was a long time ago. Not long _enough,_ but… still a long time ago. I’m okay, now. Somehow,” he muttered, “after all the bullshit we went through. Somehow it’s all… mostly alright now.”

“Good… good.”

“Yeah. But you.” Tim turned enough to rest his chin on Martin’s knee, looking up at him. “Your stuff? Something you can explain?”

“Not… _really?”_ He didn’t know. _It’s trauma, Martin. It’s trauma. You’re allowed to feel this way._ He knew. He’d been told, so many times. Therapy had been a godsend but… yeah. “I just… hm, it’s like, thinking about how nice it would be to just… _not_ be? To go to sleep and not wake up. But not in a– not in a _death_ way. Just a take a really long nap way.”

“Like pressing a pause button?” Tim prompted. “But, you know, on life.”

“I– _sort of?”_ He scowled, because he’d brought this up, even _when_ he couldn’t explain it. “But, um, not really waking up in the same moment. Time still passes, things still happen, but you’re just… not a part of it. You don’t have to be a part of it, for awhile.”

“I– okay, I _don’t_ think I’ve felt like that before, but I definitely see where you’re coming from,” Tim said. “It doesn’t actually sound _bad_ at all.” Then, just a little more careful, a little quieter, “it’s not a _Lonely_ thing, right?”

“No,” Martin said quickly. He’d thought about it. Of course. He couldn’t _not_ think about it, even though they were– and had been, but not for a near enough long of time yet– free from the Entities. Never quite… never quite free from _fear?_ But they didn’t have to directly serve it to otherworldly gods now, so there was that! They were safe! And Martin wasn’t lonely. Not anymore. “It’s not… _necessarily_ about being around other people? I think it’s just more… you have to be around yourself? Not– not that I’m unhappy about being me or anything, it’s just… it’s just not a Lonely thing.”

“Okay.” Tim nodded, and Martin envied that he just could.. _do_ that. Accept things and go with the flow so easily. He’d always been in awe of that, when he had to, like, worry over accidentally buying semi-skimmed milk rather than totally skimmed even when Tim had said it didn’t _really_ matter that much, anyway. In a way, it was… nice to worry about the small, inconsequential things, but… on the other hand… 

Tim was still talking. “Is there anything I can help you with? Or do? Positive affirmations or something?”

… it was nice Tim also possessed that ability to make him _smile_ over the little, inconsequential things. “No… that’s okay. I’m– I’m okay, there.”

“Distraction?” Tim gestured towards the TV. “I can teach you how to play.”

_“God,_ no,” Martin laughed. “I’m not– button mashing, not _really_ my style? I’ve only done like… cat collecting, or plant tending, on my phone.”

“I’ll see about getting you some RPGs next time.” Tim was serious. He was promising. “Like, pet sims? Farming sims? I was actually looking at Stardew Valley, although I couldn’t decide if I’d _like_ the tedium of it or if I’d get really irritated, really fast? But we should try it.”

“I–” Tim was _actually_ promising him _video games._ It was surreal and lovely and… good. “I mean, sure. If it goes on sale.”

“It’s not expensive, anyway,” Tim dismissed, and then, “but that doesn’t really help now, does it?”

“Not… no,” Martin admitted. “But it’s something nice to look forward to. I don’t know.” He pursed his lips and blew out a breath. A noise of derision, annoyance, acceptance. “Maybe I should schedule a session this week.”

“Yeah? I mean, if you wanna _talk_ talk, we could all do group?”

“I don’t think Jon really likes group.”

Tim shot him a _look._

“Y– _yes,_ alright, I know, that’s the point.” Truth be told, Martin didn’t like group, either, but they all went to the same therapist, one versed enough in what had happened, and part of their rehabilitation was, uh… learning to reintegrate themselves into normal life, as normal people, rather than just… archive staff. And it helped; Martin had learned more about all of them than he’d known the whole time working with them, but… _sharing._ That was still hard, even after going through everything together. “But no, I think… I think I’ve got it, this time. Thanks.”

“Yeah.” Tim pulled Martin’s hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of his knuckles, and _God–_ “I know you do.”

“Don’t…” He was blushing, dammit. _Still_ blushing! After all this time! He could feel his face flame up and he groaned, “how can you just _do_ that?”

Tim smiled, not lowering Martin’s hand. “Aww, you just make it so _easy!”_

“Stop!” he complained, yanking his hand back to playfully swat at him. Tim ducked out of the way easy enough, and Martin huffed, leaning back into the couch like he was going to have a sulk now. “Go, go back to your game. Jeez.”

“If you say so!”

But Tim still caught his eye before he did, still worrying, a bit, _asking_ without asking if he was really okay– yeah, Martin knew. He got it. 

He nodded slightly– _it’s okay, I’m okay, I’ll be okay–_ and Tim beamed, turning to grab his controller again. He didn’t move away from Martin’s legs, but that was okay. He didn’t want to go anywhere, anyway. His phone was right there. He could dial his therapist without having to move. They had plenty of time to work through the hiccups of _normal life_ and Martin decided that _this,_ right now, was what he needed the most.

**Author's Note:**

> trying to put words to a feeling I suffer from occasionally, and there really... aren't any? it's just kind of taking those feelings and wrestling with them and having to turn them around, however hard that can be! and there's really no 'happy ending' in the moment; nothing Tim can say to Martin can make the feeling go away, but he's there, they're safe, they're aware of their issues and they're working on them, and that's the best they can do! depression is tough shit even WITHOUT going through your world turning itself inside out, huh? the hell they'd have to deal with after making it through would be... very much one step at a time
> 
> (here's me, gravitating towards the horrible aftereffects of them SURVIVING the podcast once again, huh xD)


End file.
